Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
