I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
