Got a toothbrush?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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