just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
