he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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