Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
