Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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