My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
