he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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