Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
