I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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