I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
only you would photoshop your dick
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
