I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
