Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
