I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize