I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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