i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
