Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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