god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
