So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
