Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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