I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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