She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
