you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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