i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
