I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
