she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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