you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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