I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
