Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
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