i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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