Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
