If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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