Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
