Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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