You're my little dorito
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You dont lie about slip and slides
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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