This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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