yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
