Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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