I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
