whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
