Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
