when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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