just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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