dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
