life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
