My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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