my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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