If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
