The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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