Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They took my balls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
