something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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