Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
sarcasm needs its own font
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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