Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
