He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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