Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
