I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
